Same shit in different packages

This could be the most brazen display of ‘patriotism’ I’ve ever shown in my whole entire life – wearing a red polo tee to school. And I’m not the least bit embarassed by it.

I’ve never been one to wear my heart on the sleeve. Have never been interested in National Day parades, never really liked the countless National Day songs (Electrico’s attempt is a new low), never quite understood the hysteria of the various uniform groups formation and honestly find the booming of cannons rather irritating. I don’t even like fireworks.

But I don’t hate my country. I’m not disechanted by its ways nor am I actively seeking out for greener, new pastures. I abhor some of our government’s policies but also applaud when I feel it is doing, or trying to do something good. We are led to believe government=country by rhetorics and propaganda but at the same time this generation is savvy enough to know that loving your nation doesn’t necessarily mean loving the government.

And this generation of mine is hardly patriotic. Too many of us pursue education overseas, travel extensively and exposed to a myriad of diverse cultures, beliefs and lifestyle to even begin to think that Singapore is a perfect place to live in. And too many of us have turned into cynics, by choice or by jumping on the bandwagon(even if you choose to think otherwise).

It was considered ‘counter-culture’ and ‘cool’ to dismiss Singapore as a place we love. Then it became the norm. We chant “Singapore/PAP sucks!” even if most times we don’t really know why. We all agreed on our hatred for ‘kiasu-ism’ and the likes. And we all wondered when is he going to die?! We thought Singapore is too stifling and restrictive. A damn fine nation, some sarcastically proclaim. Some of us thought Singapore is backwards, “repeal 377A!” they protested.

But are we so noble and righteous to imply such negativity? Or worse, are we so enlightened by these worldly views to proclaim our disenchancement or hate for this ’stifling’ country?

Or are we instead, narrow minded and practise selective criticism to this country and its ways? It is too easy to bash Singapore. Too easy to pick on its flaws and fallacies.

But have we really tried when we say we did?

Or is this generation above trying?

I stopped writing here for a myriad of reasons but I never did lose the love for words. I just find other ways and avenues to indulge myself in it. From scribbling random phrases on scraps to writing notes on Facebook, if people want to read me, they just have to look a little harder that’s all.

But 7 months is a long time. Even longer in ‘cyber-years’ one might say. But I have steadfastly refused to delete this blog of mine perhaps because deep inside, I know when people eventually stop asking me to update or drop in to check for new posts, I will come back and begin writing again.

Too many things have happened since then and if I were to be completely honest, I can’t for the love of God recall most of them without trying really hard. Friends around me have broken up and patched things up countless times due to various reasons, I started working after many months of idling, had a friend’s father passed away due to cancer, a dear friend actively coming out of the transparent closet and the fact that it has been more than 2 yrs since Grandpa passed away.

I am different. I have changed. And it is something I feel so strongly that the nature of the change is secondary to me. What I am definitely doing is to embrace this new found purpose and beliefs. I will end up offending some people( already did), and even drive away dear friends.

Grandpa always kept a lookout for me when I was young. He will give a rollicking to the older kids who bullied me, protected me from my parents’ beatings and then during our quiet time, he will make sure I learnt my lessons.

“Don’t let people step on your head” and “just admit if you’re wrong”

Two pieces of advice that he never fails to reiterate.

I stand here today, finally assured enough to tell myself that Grandpa will be so proud of me for listening to him. And how I miss you so.